How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
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Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.