Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
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Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Twitter is an abusement park.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
work smarter, not harder
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My wife has the worst taste in men.