Just say no
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No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans