A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
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Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.