Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
2022 will be better than 2021
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]