House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.