*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
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#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider