Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
You Might Also Like
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter