Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
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Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction