I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS