Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
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I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.