zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
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[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
step 6: release the wall snake
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.