BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
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Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Perfect
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Before & after 😅
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.