*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
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Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors