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Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
At least my masseuse has my back.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
wow
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Smells like a challenge to me
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.