In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
You Might Also Like
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Friday
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.