Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
You Might Also Like
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”