My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
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When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark