Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
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“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance