I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.