I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
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