I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
You Might Also Like
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without