Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
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When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Awwwww shit.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.