I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My dad teaching me to drive
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I know karate and tons of other words.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.