My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
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I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Damn what did I do next
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Banking tips
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”