what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
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I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.