If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
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COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Well, this is awkward
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon