I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
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Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?