Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
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Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
wait.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.