guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
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Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Ain’t no way
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep