*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
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Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids