I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
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Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?