I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
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I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.