Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
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Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.