Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
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The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence