[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
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BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
a badder mouse
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
i want the dreams to chase me for once
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.