me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
You Might Also Like
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Extremely relatable.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.