Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
You Might Also Like
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
One of the best
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]