my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven