I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing