Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
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If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”