Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.