Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
You Might Also Like
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Straight people are cancelled
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie