Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
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my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Beware of fowl play.
fired
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”