me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
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Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Spring of Deception
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!