During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
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Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
These work great until they don’t.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.