6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
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The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
fired