(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
You Might Also Like
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all