*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
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An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert