Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
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“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I love you…
…r dog.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable